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I am doing ok..Better than I was a few hours ago. There has been too much drama today. It was busy at work. Insanely busy.I survived that, but I didn't like getting called at 6 in the morning so I could come in early because someone was sick. I needed the extra couple hours sleep. But I came in anyway. And when I got to work early, I ran into one of my coworkers who knows somene I know outside of work. I won't say much but there has been an issue with this person and I had to tell my coworker who is also my friend about some trouble this person got into. That wasn't fun. She was upset. But I had to do it, I promised I would tell her. and considering everything it was something that it was important that she know. And no, it wasn't gossip, it was something she needed to know so she could maybe help the person who was in trouble out. I hope she isn't too upset by the whole situation because she is a nice girl.
Then there is other drama that is pissing me off, and somewhat scaring me, and hurting me at the same time. I feel insecure. Like someone I care very much about doesn't care about me. That was basically part of the reason why I was all pissed off at certain people I ranted about in the past. I did care very much about all of them at one time. Even Pat, but not in the way he wished I did. Then they did or said things that showed they didn't feel the same way. I have huge issues. Things I never told Mandy. How do I put this? God, I have no idea. It has to do with the fact that I never fit in growing up, and the fact that I didn't want to be an only child ( I always felt like I was suppost to have brothers and sisters), certain things in my life I can't share with everyone and my need to have someone who understands those things who is physically here for me. Basically I feel desperate for people to understand me, understand certain secrets about me I can't share with everyone, and maybe sometimes I set myself up to be disappointed. I do too much for certain people, I just want to feel like there is someone there who understands me, and who cares about me. Someone who thinks of me as family and wouldn't leave or betray me. And the people I was ranting about in the past, I thought they were the person I hoped they would be, but they weren't and after I did so much for them and told them things I shouldn't have, they betrayed me. It is hard to take. I don't know if I am looking at this situation again. I hope not. I really hope not. But at least I didn't tell this person the secrets about me that I told other people. But I do a lot for this person and I feel like it is not appreciated. Or at least this is how they have been acting lately. If it continues I am going to have to say something. Not looking forward to that. But I have to. I have treated this person well, and I deserve to be treated with respect.
I can't have the attitude anymore that I am desperate for any attention and that I will do anything for someone's love. Unless the person in question is also willing to do anything for me, I have to put myself first. I do talk shit about people who piss me off, but when it comes to people I consider friends, I do every fucking thing to try to show them that I am a good friend and I value them. I deserve the same back. If someone doesn;t give me that back and isn't willing to, I need to reconize that, and not give so much to them, because I might end up getting hurt. And being hurt will lead to me being angry, and so on. I don't want that anymore. I just want friends, and I want to feel like people around me care about me. And I just want us to be able to have fun and not have so much drama.That was all I wanted to begin with in the past. All I ever wanted. Just I trusted the wrong people too many times and it got to me and all I could think about was the anger I felt from being betrayed and rejected.
All I can say about what is happening now is I feel like someone is being very, very selfish and it is pissing me off. It is building up, and I really hope there will not be drama.
But Saturday I am getting the fuck away and enjoying my day off. If work calls in, there is no fucking way I am answering the phone. Fuck that. I really need the day off after everything. I will lie and say later that I left early and forgot my cell phone. By the way, I kind of hate my cellphone, I can't wait to get a regular phone from the house with a plan from Comcast so I can have unlimited calling.My cellphone is expensive when it comes to adding minutes, and I don't end up talking as much as I want because of that. I miss really talking on the phone. I will get a regular phone soon and just keep 15 dollars worth of minutes on the cellphone in case of emergencies.
But yeah, hope there any drama, and if there is, I hope it isn't as bad as I am worried it might be. I have been going over in my head what I am going to say if the things I am worried about happen. Not fun, but at least if I do really have a reason to be worried I am not going to be blindsighted. It is obvious there is a problem so the question is will things get better if the person in question has some space for awhile, or are we going to need to talk about this ?
Then there is other drama that is pissing me off, and somewhat scaring me, and hurting me at the same time. I feel insecure. Like someone I care very much about doesn't care about me. That was basically part of the reason why I was all pissed off at certain people I ranted about in the past. I did care very much about all of them at one time. Even Pat, but not in the way he wished I did. Then they did or said things that showed they didn't feel the same way. I have huge issues. Things I never told Mandy. How do I put this? God, I have no idea. It has to do with the fact that I never fit in growing up, and the fact that I didn't want to be an only child ( I always felt like I was suppost to have brothers and sisters), certain things in my life I can't share with everyone and my need to have someone who understands those things who is physically here for me. Basically I feel desperate for people to understand me, understand certain secrets about me I can't share with everyone, and maybe sometimes I set myself up to be disappointed. I do too much for certain people, I just want to feel like there is someone there who understands me, and who cares about me. Someone who thinks of me as family and wouldn't leave or betray me. And the people I was ranting about in the past, I thought they were the person I hoped they would be, but they weren't and after I did so much for them and told them things I shouldn't have, they betrayed me. It is hard to take. I don't know if I am looking at this situation again. I hope not. I really hope not. But at least I didn't tell this person the secrets about me that I told other people. But I do a lot for this person and I feel like it is not appreciated. Or at least this is how they have been acting lately. If it continues I am going to have to say something. Not looking forward to that. But I have to. I have treated this person well, and I deserve to be treated with respect.
I can't have the attitude anymore that I am desperate for any attention and that I will do anything for someone's love. Unless the person in question is also willing to do anything for me, I have to put myself first. I do talk shit about people who piss me off, but when it comes to people I consider friends, I do every fucking thing to try to show them that I am a good friend and I value them. I deserve the same back. If someone doesn;t give me that back and isn't willing to, I need to reconize that, and not give so much to them, because I might end up getting hurt. And being hurt will lead to me being angry, and so on. I don't want that anymore. I just want friends, and I want to feel like people around me care about me. And I just want us to be able to have fun and not have so much drama.That was all I wanted to begin with in the past. All I ever wanted. Just I trusted the wrong people too many times and it got to me and all I could think about was the anger I felt from being betrayed and rejected.
All I can say about what is happening now is I feel like someone is being very, very selfish and it is pissing me off. It is building up, and I really hope there will not be drama.
But Saturday I am getting the fuck away and enjoying my day off. If work calls in, there is no fucking way I am answering the phone. Fuck that. I really need the day off after everything. I will lie and say later that I left early and forgot my cell phone. By the way, I kind of hate my cellphone, I can't wait to get a regular phone from the house with a plan from Comcast so I can have unlimited calling.My cellphone is expensive when it comes to adding minutes, and I don't end up talking as much as I want because of that. I miss really talking on the phone. I will get a regular phone soon and just keep 15 dollars worth of minutes on the cellphone in case of emergencies.
But yeah, hope there any drama, and if there is, I hope it isn't as bad as I am worried it might be. I have been going over in my head what I am going to say if the things I am worried about happen. Not fun, but at least if I do really have a reason to be worried I am not going to be blindsighted. It is obvious there is a problem so the question is will things get better if the person in question has some space for awhile, or are we going to need to talk about this ?
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