moonfirefly69

Well it has been a crazy few months, and now I am finally writing an update. I don't really know where to start..Some stuff that has happened, in what, the last 5 months, has been good..Some has been very, very stressful, but even the stressful stuff is probably for the best.

The main thing I have to report that happened recently was that James moved out. I am not worried about my financial status, I am good at saving money, so I have more than enough til I get a new roommate. And there are 4 people who I would be willing to have move in here. I am sure one of them will want to. Also, having some time to myself to relax might be a good thing for me.

However, I felt the need to write in this journal cause I do feel the need to vent some about what happened with James. It is like this, last year, a couple of months after he moved in, he started being a dick..Eating food I bought, but not sharing, trying to tell me what to do. Kind of laying guilt trips on me, when I was really nice to him. At the time, Jeremy and Natalie were staying with us, and I was glad, because I started getting the feeling that James might be even worse if I was alone in the apartment with him. When Jeremy and Nat moved out, things got better for awhile, then around the 4th of July, he turned into a dick again.

He turned into a dick, shortly after the first night he started hanging out at the place he is living now. I remember clearly. I had to go to a party my boss was giving at his house near Lake Stevens. I was out til 12, I got home and an hour later, James came home. I asked him how Daniel was, because I thought he and Daniel had hung out that day. No, he ditched Daniel, and went to this Sober house. He had been going to AA meetings...Well, that brings me to a secret he kept from me..I have known him since 2000, and until a few months ago, I never knew how serious his past substance abuse was..I thought he only used pott and alcohol. That was all he told me he did.. Well I won't say on here what he said he was doing, but it was ALOT worse, and the fact that before he moved in, he was tempted to do it again, well if I had known those things, I might not have let him move in.


After that night, the problems began. He started being a dick to everyone he didn't feel was sober enough. Even if those people would have the respect to not drink infront of him. He said he had some issue with me admitting that when I go out to dinner with my parents, I sometimes get ONE drink with dinner, and even though Daniel can't even have alcohol because it will give him a seizure, he didn't wanna be around Daniel because Daniel has issues with AA.

Oh man, things got really uncomfortable for a few months. He was being disrespectful..He used my computer and looked at porn on it when he promised he wouldn't..And he was dumb enough to not erase the computer history, so I caught him. I asked him about it, and asked him not to do it again, and he decided to avoid me after that. Having a lot of time to myself, gave me time to sit down and think..Think about how things really have been the whole time I knew James..I did so much for him, even helped him get a seasonal job at Costco last year. He has never done shit for me, except for paying me back last week for some shit he owes me. Until the last few months, I was never mean to him in anyway..While he was so petty he was picking on me every time he saw me, for three years, for liking Rob Zombie, just because he didn't like The Devil's Rejects..Oh and incidently, when we saw that movie, I was the one who paid for his ticket..I shouldn't have. And don't get me started on the way he was always hitting on all my female friends, he knew I didn't like it, I should have said more to him about stopping it, I didn't know what to do in those situations, but that is no excuse, and for that, I am sorry.

I must have looked like a fucking idiot in the past, doing so much for him..Being all talking about James like he was The Gods' gift to the world, when maybe most people would see how he really is.

But he has moved out..Today, he gave me my key back..Soon I probably will be giving that key to someone who would be a much better roommate.

On the good side though, I did get to know Travis and Daniel better in the last few months, and they are good friends. I have a lot in common with both of them, more than I ever did with James.

Well, that is about it for now..I just wanna take a shower, put on a movie, then go to bed.

Not much to say right now, except I am really sleepy..Work went fast today. We were so busy...Sleepy. One thing I am happy about was the little bitch I mentioned last journal entry cried to my supervisiour about how I am "too Bossy" and he told her "Good".He told me today, when he isn't around he wants us training the new people and if they don't like being taught the right way to do things, too bad..Yeah, that's right bitch, I am suppost to be telling you what to do, especially when you are fucking up. You don't know your shit, so that means EVERYONE who has been in our department longer than you gets to tell you what to do and how to do it. She is going back to the front end next week, but I am still glad this happened.  That girl had a grudge against me since a month ago when we were working on Sunday and I had to tell her several times to cook more than one package of hot dogs at a time..I can't believe she got so pissed that day, you would think she would have the common sense to see how busy we were and see how many hot dogs we were going through. I told her a few times, then she went and cried to everyone else about how I was bossing her around, and that really stressed me out, because I felt like I did something wrong even though I knew I was doing what our supervisor would want me to in that situation. What is even more ridiculous is since that day she has this attitude every time I talk to her..Whatever, I pretend not to notice, but other people notice how much of a bitch she is too.

 I had to deal with so many bitches like that at Taco Del Mar, and I was a keyholder there. I remember this one teenage girl tried to tell me that she needed to get out of closing early because of her curfew. You would think her parents knew that part of the reason why she got the job was she was excepted to close. Bullshit, she wasn't worried about her parents getting mad. She wanted to go out and hang out with her friends. I didn't let her leave early, there was no way I was going to just do all the cleaning by myself. Fuck that.  And I told the owner about her attitude and she agreed with me. Oh man, there was so much cleaning at that job, much more than what we do at Costco ( and Costco gets so much more business), and they wanted it done at a decent time..But they also wanted everything clean every night. Or we were in trouble the next day. And guess what? People didn't want to do their fair share of cleaing and I had to be the bitch and tell them how the owners wanted it done and point out what they almost forgot.


But enough about work..I got some good news from my friend Mark tonight. He wrote to me on myspace and it turns out he ran into our old friend Mandy.I know too many Mandys..This one was the first person besides Chad I really met here in Mount Vernon..We were friends for a long time, then she moved to Spokane. She kind of needed to, there were things in her life she needed to change. But from what I hear she is doing good..Sounds like we are probably going to get back in contact with eachother and that is awesome.

Well that is about it..I get Thursday off..I need to relax now. See you later.

Hmm, I am not sure what to say. I haven't updated this journal in a while, and not much has been going on. Mostly working. But I am getting faster at my job, so that is making it easier.  Today wasn't too bad, I didn't have to close, and my job was fairly easy today.  I have been at Costco over a year and a half, the job is getting easier and easier.  Which is cool.


 Hmmm, what to talk about. Usually I write in a journal to vent about things that piss me off. Nothing has been seriously pissing me off lately. Maybe this one coworker, but I am not too worried about her. I remember at Taco Del Mar, being stressed out in similar situations, but now..I couldn't give a fuck. She wants to get an attitude when I ask her to do something,..Fine..She will be going back to the front end soon.. And no I am not ordering her around, I am nicely asking her, and she needs to be given instruction, she is new and it is very obvious she doen't know what she is doing most of the time. This girl gets all bitchy and angry when I ask her to do something or make a suggestion,and it is very immature on her part. Oh well, I know I am not the only one who notices her attitude, and if she keeps it up, I am going to our manager.  I have dealt with many, many people like her at my old job and I know how to handle little preppie bitches who don't want to do their fair share of the work.

  Lets see. What movies have I been watching lately..I did see the Friday the 13th remake last month. I enjoyed it. You could tell the people who made it were fans of the original movies, and there was a lot of effort put into the movie. It was so much fun seeing it on Friday the 13th last month. And last week, I watched Near Dark on Fear Net. I had seen it two years before, and I liked it better this time. I can see why it is somewhat of a cult movie,the characters were pretty interesting..Like I wanted to know more about the vampires.  I would like to get a copy of it for my horror collection at some point..  And last night, I finally saw Inside on this free movie site online. What people say about it is true..It is a  good movie, although very distrubing and brutal. 

  And I have been cooking a lot lately. Instead of eating out. It is better for you, cheaper, and often what you make at home tastes better than what you can get in a resteraunt..That is if you know how to use herbs and read cook books and watch Food Network like I do,. I am making some Asian food tomorrow night..Some Yakisoba with chicken, shrimp, vegtables, garlic and ginger. I think James and I are inviting Rick and Morgan over. I have tomorrow off. Yeah, I know I said I wasn't going to say on this journal what I my plans are, but fuck it. I have tomorrow off but I am not doing anything special. Just hanging out in Mount Vernon, possibly taking Morgan for a drive, doing laundry and making us a nice dinner.
 
 Yeah I need to relax. I have been tense for a long time. For years.  Too much stress in a lot of areas of my life. Often having to deal with several very stressful situations at the same time. Oh well, at least I didn't deal with those sitautions by doing drugs or doing other things that would have created even worse problems to stress out about. All I did was rant about people who pissed me off and pissed off certain people who maybe didn't understand how I felt. But I am ok now, I just need to relax more. I need a break.
I guess I am going to work on relaxing by taking a bath in a little bit, then putting on a movie from my collection.Then going to bed. 


  Well that is it..If anyone is reading this, goodnight. I guess I will update if anything interesting happens.

First of all,I have to say I am really happy with how my apartment looks now. I just got my new couch and love seat from Ashley furniture. Oh my god, they look so awesome. I wanted black couches, and they were on sale.It was a great deal, so I had to get both of them. It shouldn't take too long to pay them off, and it is so worth it.  This is exactly what I wanted when I moved into my apartment at the end of last August.  I waited a few months till they had this kind of deal on the couches I wanted at Ashley furniture. I can't wait to show someone. Like Morgan,or Tanna and Joe.

  Now the bad news..I googled myself..LOL..Yeah I know, that sounds naughty. I typed in Moondragon69 on google. And there is a link to this journal. So possibly a certain someone I do not want reading this journal has found it. Well, I have already left South Park Studios, and it was more because I was tired of that board anyway then him. I am not ditching this journal, and I am not leaving the board I just joined or changing my name there, not that I am saying anything too exciting, just me and the people on the board talking about horror movies. If a certan someone has a bad opinion of who I am and wants to laugh at me fine. I don't give a fuck what he thinks anymore as long as he stays the fuck away from me. So, yeah, Pat if you are reading this, go ahead and laugh at the things I say and think that you find stupid and think what you want about me, your opinion does not matter.  I never was attracted to you ( and we all know why you are still stalking me after 3 years, don't deny it.), you were never going to get me to feel sorry enough for you so I would settle for you as a boyfriend or put out, we were only friends then you fucked it up by constantly being inconsiderate and then writing scary shit that only an idiot would ignore, you further fucked things up with your stalking and your little love notes about how I should kill myself and your recent lovely journal entry about me that you were too chicken shit to leave up. Your opinion does not matter to me, I am going to do what I want, and say and think and believe what I want. And if you ever try threatening me, well I am going to make good on my threat about going to the cops and your parents. I still have that email you sent almost 2 years ago about how I should kill myself. How is that going to look? You seriously need to forget about me and fucking move on. We don't have shit in common, you don't respect me, I don't respect you, and we both have other friends, so it is time for us both to forget about eachother. I might have taken back certain other people who I wasn't getting along with or at least they and I are now on speaking terms, but I have my own reasons for that, if you ever really listened to me when I was telling about you about my problems with them ( instead of just dumping your problems on me, then saying " you live you learn" when I told you about my problems) you would maybe be able to figure out why I was mad at them, but understand that I didn't totally hate them things were just bad at the moment and I was venting. I might have taken back some people I complained about to you, but you are not going to be one of those people, you made sure that was going to be the case when you wrote your little emails. You made yourself look like an emotionally abusive asshole, and I really would be delusional if I wanted you back after reading that shit. Don't like me saying that, tough shit, you chose to write that shit. 

 And really, was the past with me so great? Was having lunch at the mall's food court, talking about movies, mostly the ones you are interested in, talking to me about your issues, dealing with me "gossiping" about my issues, then going to the video store and looking at video boxes but not buying anything that great? Honestly, it wasn't that fun, I had more fun when it was me and Rosie hanging out, or me Wendy and Jeremy or me Kraig and the other Wendy or me Mandy Tanna and Joe or James, or Morgan. Fuck hanging out with Chad was often more fun, because he wasn't super uncomfortable with other people and he and I had more in common than you and I do. Why was hanging out with these other people more fun, because they could relax and just have fun.  Aren't you  having more fun with your friends in Bellingham then you did with me? It really looks like you like them much better than you ever liked me, and that is fine. Maybe you and them have more in common or they give you something I could never, I understand how that is, and I am fine with it. Why not just focus on them, because you are happy with them, and I am never going to be the kind of person you wanted me to be. You were calling me a psychic vampire, but really is anyone holding a gun to your head and forcing you to give me energy? I don;t want your energy, or anything else from you. Just, go. Focus on what you have in your life now that is positive. Your friends, your life in Bellingham, and forget about me. I don't wish you ill, even though I don't like you very much anymore, so stop being petty and wishing bad things on me and just live your life. And seriously, you sound like you don't even like me at all, so why is what I do even your business?

 And just incase, I am not going to leave any info in any of my enteries about where I plan to go on my days off or my work schedule.I will write about those things after the fact. So any plans of reading this journal so you can stalk me in real life are not going to work. Not that you could even find many of the places Morgan and I go when we hang out on my days off. All I am going to say is we don't hang out in Mount Vernon or Bellingham.

I will say though that sometime in the next few days James and I are going to go see the remake of Friday the 13th, and I am excited. It is going to be fun. The remake was made by the same people who remade The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and I really enjoyed that remake. I stil remember seeing it in the theater Halloween night in 2003 and having a great time. I don't really compare it to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, because they are so different. In some ways the original is scarier, especially towards the end, but the remake is more disturbing in some ways.  But anyway, if the remake of Friday the 13th is anything like the remake of TMC I am going to be happy. I have always liked Jason even before I was actually allowed to watch the movies. I saw photos of him and he looks really scary and bad ass. It was kind of dissapointing when I saw some of the sequels and they weren't what I thought they would be, but Friday the 13th part 2 was good, and so was Freddy Vs Jason. And that one sequel with the psychic chick , can't remember which movie that was. Oh well, I am excited for this movie, especially because it looks like the people who are making it are Friday the 13th fans and they really want to make Jason scary.  I am not going to say when I am seeing this movie, just that I can't wait.


Well that is all..Time to make a snack and go to bed.

Ok, I am going to warn you up front that  most of this entry is going to be a rant. Remember what I used to say about how venting or ranting or whatever you want to call it makes one feel better? That is why I am posting this.

 Since last week, when I found out Pat had actually stalked me on South Park Studios, that brought back a lot of bad feelings. The most serious being the worry that maybe he meant to do me some harm. Which was the main reason why I felt like I had to get the fuck away from him to begin with. His journal entries, the things he had told me over the years, the things a certain friend once said to me about how he was concerned about me getting into a car with Pat. And Mandy, the things you said about feeling uneasy around him and how you felt uncomfortable when we went to his birthday party, I remember all of that, and then I have to say I really was listening to you. I trusted your judgement about what Pat was like, and I really was sorry I exposed you to him. I actually still am sorry about that, and sorry for bringing him around Wendy and Chikako, he was a creepy pervert to them to and I didn't see it, I wanted to believe everything he said about how honorable his intentions towards everyone was.  But the point is, with everything I had seen and everything everyone had said, and not just you, many of my other friends including Wendy, Chad,  Kei, and Rosie and a few others told me they didn't really like Pat even when I defended him, I was begining to see what kind of person Pat was and I was scared. That was a big part of why I felt I had to get away from him was about.

The other reason was at the same time I was scared, I was pissed off. When he was posting those enteries, and you and I were talking, you know what else I was doing? I was replaying every time I could remember that he and I hung out in my mind. And realizing there were  many times he wasn't exactly treating me right that I over looked. He was condesending to me, both on my taste in movies and the fact that he knew a little about my beliefs.

Here is a story about Pat that I didn't tell you. Way back in 1996 I started going to Skagit Valley College, and Pat and I met there. We were in the same art class. At first, we would only talk a little, then I found out that he and Chad were also friends. They knew eachother a little out side of school. Well, Chad was my best friend then, and I figured any friend of Chad's was a friend of mine. Long story short I ended up telling him a little bit about the telepathy and such. I thought it was ok, I thought he would understand and nothing bad would happen. Wrong. At first he just expressed concern because "hearing voices" is considered a sign of some mental conditions. Then I told Chad that I told Pat a little, Chad talked to him over the phone about some of his experiences with the paranormal..This was in December of 1996, then in early 1997, Pat wanted me meet me and Chad in the cafeteria on a Friday after school. What ended up happening was Chad brought Sonia and Jamie with him. The five of us sat at one of the tables in the cafeteria, and we started talking. If I remember right Chad was saying something about the astral plane. Then Sonia ( who was also Bi) decided she wanted to kiss me. Pat became uncomfortable by the whole situation. Definately not what he was used to. Well, he kind of said so, and he said something about never kissing a girl, well I guess Sonia felt sorry for him and kissed him on the cheek.  At that point it was time for all of us to catch the bus and leave. That is about what I remember from that day. What I remember better was the conversation Pat and I had over the phone later. He wasn't happy with what happened, the whole thing made him uncomfortable. And he pretty much said we were asking him to believe as he did with no proof, and he went so far as to call me delusional, and told me that calling him every day was making him uncomfortable. We didn't talk for a long time, til we had another art class together.  He half assed apologized to me, said he came to the conclusion, because of some Scifi movie he saw, that people can believe whatever they want. And I really believed he meant it. Well I know now that what happened in 1996 set the tone for our relationship. He thought I was delusional all along and didn't respect me. That attitude showed in his behaviour towards me and how he talked to me over the years. I realized that when I stopped over looking all the times he wasn't very respectful to me.

And there was the stuff about him hitting on all my friends who were girls, and hitting on me somewhat in 1998. In 1998, he pulled the crap about never being kissed again. Trying to get me to feel bad. And saying maybe if he and I had sex it would bring us closer together and how it wouldn't be romantic, and how he didn't consider me the "most attractive" person. Just so you know I am getting sick to my stomach just typing that. He apologized for that shit later, saying it was his medication talking.  Well after his journal enteries, I no longer believed he could blame that on his meds. And I was pissed. I thought we were friends. I thought he respected me, and after reading his journals and thinking about everything, I felt like he was just trying to get down my pants like I was some kind of cheap whore.

 That was the reason why I started shit with him on my journal. I wanted to fucking let him know that he was not going fucking get away with treating me like that. Sorry for dragging you into it. It should have between just him and me. If I had to do it over again it would have been. But  I am not sorry for ditching his ass or for telling him off. Especially not now. He erased his journal entry, after the message I left for him on South Park studios, which I am sure he saw. But if he really thinks all that shit about me, how I am borderline retarded, and delusional, and blubberous, and he thinks I look stupid when I walk around smiling, well, I am not hurt, I think he is full of shit, but knowing that is how he really feels, I would never take him back as a friend. That totally confirms my suspisions about him not respecting me. I can't trust someone like that, and you can't have a relationship without trust.

But yeah, fuck him. Fuck his dumbass. I showed Sandoz his lame journal entry before he erased it and she is right, he is a big ass hypocrit.  He thinks I am a gossip, well he is no better. No better at all, no matter how he pretends to be. I am sure he is not above gossiping about how terrible I am to his Bellingham friends. And you know what else? The only people I can recall gossiping to him about were people who actually did something. Chad. Kim. Calvin. Morgan when we weren't sure if we could trust him or not. and Sara who lied about us calling someone in Utah and running up Tanna and Joe's phone bill. I never said  one ill word to him about James, or you, or Tanna and Joe, or Sandoz or Tom. And also to be fair, I am not even sure what standard he was judging me as a gossip by, since before he met his friends in Bellingham he talked to psychiatrists more than people his own age. Yes they are a lot more professional but they are paid to be, and they are not allowed to gossip about what their patients tell them. In the real world, outside the psychiatrist's office things are very different, everyone has talked shit or gossiped about someone at some point. If he was jugding me by those kind of standards, fuck him. I said the things to him I did, because I was upset with certain people, and I thought he would actually help. Big mistake.

I don't really want to fight with him online again. I just want him out of my life forever. If he wants to have a bad opinion of me, I don't care. I don't like him. The only thing we had in common was we liked some of the same movies and such. That is about it. Many people also like those movies. Millions of people infact.  So he is nothing special. I told him I wanted to get away from him three years ago. It is over,. He can have fun with his friends in Bellingham, and forget about me. That is what I want him to do. I want to move on from his crap. I don't need to take his crap anymore. I want real friends who actually respect and listen to me, and don't write entries about how they want to kill themselves as revenge on all their female friends who didn't find them attractive.

And by the way, I have known people who were sucicidal. I infact know a couple people who attempted sucide and have some scars to prove it. Scars I have actually seen. I have no feelings of predujuice towards those people. They are good people. They are people I care about. I am not angry with them for what they tried to do, and in one case it was long before that person even met me, I am just glad they are ok now. And if one of my friends was sucidial, I would be more likely to want to help them and stop them from wanting to kill themselves than to be angry or talk shit about them However, I still feel like Pat was saying what he did in his journal about feeling sucidial, was more about trying to get attention. Which makes me sick.Which was another reason why I wanted to go off on him.

Well, I have another 3 day weekend.This is the beginning of day 2. Sunday was awesome. Morgan and I went for a drive, we went to Arlington to Mirkwood. It was a little creepy, because when we got there, there was this guy standing outside talking to himself..Then when we got in the store, we found some smokey quartz.  We each bought a piece, then we looked around some more, then  Morgan looked at his piece of quartz and noticed some dried blood on it that he didn't notice before. And his hand wasn't cut or anything. He said he has found blood on his crystals like that before..Then we went to this park in Arlington and he gave me a tarot reading...My reading was a little confusing, but it seems that there are going to be some changes in my life. Maybe some drama that happens around the same time those changes occur. From what the reading said it might be a number of things. Not sure if I should go into them right now.

 And I finally stopped posting at South Park Studios. It is about time. My only friend who still posts there is Shane. There are people there who cause drama. And I end up caught up in their fights about religion.  I don't want to do that anymore. I want to actually have some friends to talk to on a message board like I did on the Rejects board. Well I think I might have found it on the official Halloween board, so I am going there.

And then there is something else. Another reason to leave SPS. Pat. Last night I said something about him on there. I didn't use his name, but I related what happened in our friendship, how it ended and such. Well, tonight on his live journal I found a journal entry about me. One he wrote last night. Not very flattering I might add. I haven't talked to him in a year, and the last time was to tell him to back off when he was stalking me at Rejects Unite and on my last Journal. We haven't talked in 3 years and he still is stalking me.  Well, Mandy I am still reading your journal, and people might see that as stalking, but I have no intention of threatening you. His post about me kind of contained some veiled threats. I assure you, he did write it, if you look at his journal, you will find the entry about me.  He only would have one reason to say that and that would be if he was watching me on SPS. Oh well, he can think what he wants about me, but he won't be able to watch what I say over there anymore. I am done with that board. And done with his bullshit. If he wants to think all the things he said about me, fine. I don't care. But if he tries threatening me, I am not going to take it. I will be going to the cops, and taking a knife with me when I know I am out after dark.

  Well, that is about all. Work has been going fine. I have been busy.I went to see The Uninvited the other night, it wasn't bad. And I have today and Tuesday off.

Well, I haven't updated much..I got 3 days off, and now I am working 6 days in a row. I think I have been a little sick lately or something..Tired..Stressed at the thought of going to work..But I am not calling in sick unless I am half dead.. Need the money. Rent, groceries, the electric bill and the cable bill are not going to pay for themselves. James is helping out, which is great. Our power bill was a little high last month though and that sucked..Well it is to be expected..We have electric heating, and it has been cold. I can not wait til spring. It was snowing last time I was outside tonight. Hope it doesn't stick...

  Lets see..What else. Oh yeah, I now own Repo! The Genetic Opera..Oh man that is such a good movie. Best movie I have seen in a year. Horror musicals rock. I love the songs. The characters are really interesting, I mean you want to know more about them. And Bill Mosely was hilarious. James loves it. He loves the movie so much when we were watching it the other night he was singing along to most of the songs.I love the movie, and I really hope there is a sequel, I mean not to give away anything, but at the end it was strongly implied that there could be a sequel. If there was a sequel and if Lionsgate stopped being stupid and it actually got shown in a theater within driving distance for me, I would show up dressed as one of the characters. People are already dressing up as the characters to go see the movie in theaters, unfortunately none of those theaters are around here.

 We sort of had a party last week when we were watching Repo! . I made a really good dinner for myself, James, Kei and Natalie. I made chicken Yakisoba and orange chicken. The yakisoba was completely homemade. I put ginger, garlic, chicken mushrooms and Chinese cabbage in it. And I made it in my wok, I have had that wok since the beginning of 2005. I remember when I still lived at my parent's house I was making dinner for them almost every night, and I made the chicken yakisoba, and I also used that wok to deep fry my own homemade chicken strips and pop corn chicken. I am so going to have to make that soon. I have a huge bag of frozen, boneless, skinless chicken breasts from Costco. James would love my homemade chicken strips, so would Morgan, and I haven't made them in 4 years. 

  I like cooking, and there are so many recipes I created myself. From just figuring out how many of the dishes I like are made, then adding something to them. Like my pepper jack mac and cheese..Oh everyone loves that. I just use the right brand of mac and cheese, the all natural stuff, then throw in a ton of grated pepper jack cheese. I think that is going to be what we have for dinner tomorrow night..Yummy.

 Well there are a couple other things I wanna talk about. Ok, I like message boards..Message boards are fun for me, because talking to people and writing is fun for me. But I am no longer happy at South Park Studios, and that is sad because I was there since 2002. Most everyone I considered a friend has left, and the people there suck. They jump on your ass if you say something they disagree with. And many of them are athiests. I used to have nothing against athiests. I used to think they were in the same boat as pagans when it comes to discrimination from Christians and they would understand and be respectful of pagans. Well, at least on South Park studios, that is not the case. A certain asshole went off on a friend of mine there recently for saying something about astral projection. He wasn't even meaning to convert anyone into believing in it, he just wanted to talk about it because it was interesting.  Well the asshole attacked him, called what he said "New Age bullshit", so I went off on him. My friend was upset, he said he was sorry for even saying anything and he meant no offense, and I told him he didn't do anything wrong and he has just as much right to say what he wants as anyone at the board..
 
 That is why I am like that..That is why I will tell people off, Yes it is fun, but there is a greater reason. The reason is, if you don't tell people off who try to shit on you, what are you going to get? Dicks fuck assholes, because if they didn't all the pussies and dicks would be covered in shit. Remember? LOL!!!!! Wow, I haven't thought of that line in years.Where did that come from?But it is true, dicks fuck assholes, pussies can't. That was the situation in the fight my friends at the Rejects board had with the RZBOARD assholes..If we didn't do anything, those fuckers would have manipulated the people who were easily influenced and basically turned our board into the second RZBOARD which would have sucked. In a situation where someone is trying to fuck with you, you have to stand up for yourself and your friends, and what you believe in, and so on. I have done this online, and in certain situations at jobs, and I wish I had the balls to do that in the past because if I did a lot fo the situations that happened with Calvin Kim and Chad that I bitched about would have never happened.

 Well,anyway, I am not happy at South Park Studios.. Right now as I write this, I am debating leaving, or staying, for that friend I mentioned. I like him, but I am sick of  everyone else. I am thinking of getting his myspace address, adding him, then inviting him to the horror group my friends and I have. We have a message board and no drama and I can actually have good conversations with people. To be honest I don't really like fighting about religion.. The board just started, but I think it could have the potential to grow, have a lot of members and alot of activity. Then I could leave South Park Studios.

  And well, lately I have been reminded of the old drama I have been making references to in past entries. That is what happens when you bottle up emotions. Something the other day reminded me of something especially hard..Something that in a way I wanted to deny even happened. But at least a few good friends were there for me to talk to. We talked and I felt better. Thats what friends are suppost to do. If I knew someone I considered a friend was going through something really painful, I would want to be there for them, because I know how it feels to go through pain alone. If I ever wasn't that kind of friend in the past, I am sorry. But at the same time, if the friend I wasn't there for didn't tell what was going on, how could I be there? In relationships people have to communicate.

Well, I have today and tomorrow off, and I am relaxing. I need it..I went to Fetish night last night. It was ok..Not as exciting as it was last year when I went for the first time. It would have been way better if Travis, Andrew or Morgan were there. And something pissed me off.

Certain people's attitudes. I am not going to name these people, but I have known them for awhile, either from the college or through James. I saw them last night, said hi and they fucking refused to talk to me. And I have never done anything around them that would cause them to have a bad attitude towards me..Not even rant to them about people who piss me off. If I see them, I am nice and I ask them how they are doing and such. Maybe they have an issue with James, and I won't lie, I love my brother, but he does do some things without thinking. But if that is the issue, whatever he said or did that pissed them off had nothing to do with me. I don't even really know for sure that is what happened or if something like that did happen, exactly what. They shouldn't hold anything they have against James against me too, because I have never done shit to them.

Or maybe it is the influence of some of the people who go to fetish night who seem very snobby. Like this one young, goth drag queen who I see there every time I go. The second time I went, Rosie wanted us to dress up as faeries and got us wings and made us wands..We went, and people there loved our costumes. But this drag queen walked up to me and said the theme wasn't faeries.I was kind of shocked because you would think that if someone is a drag queen they are cool with people dressing anyway they want..Maybe he/she was worried people were paying more attention to us than to how fabulous he/she thinks he/she is.Yeah the theme of that night was 80's night and if I had known maybe I would have found something 80's to wear because I liked that theme. I do have a Hellraiser shirt and Hellraiser was from the 80's, and I have a black denim jacket from the 80's.There is a theme for every fetish night, but you can still show up dressed how you want to. He/she was just being really snotty, and he/she obviously pays alot for his/her goth clothing, and his/her outfits are cool..But that doesn't change the fact that he/she appears to be a snobby bitch. One of the people who was acting snotty to me last night was hanging out with him/her.

 Fuck him. Events like fetish night are suppost to be for fun. People are suppost to go and feel like they can be themselves, and dress how they want, and have fun. Don't get me wrong, not everyone there is like that..There is this guy I have seen there, this black guy named Tony who seems like a really nice guy. I have seen him the other times I went, and he was one of the people who liked the faery costumes Rosie made. I finally asked what his name was last night, and introduced myself..I think he probably is gay but that is cool, I have a lot of gay friends.He seems like he would be a good friend, I get a good vibe from him. And I will go next month if I can. But if certain people think they are too good to talk to me, I am going to ignore them back.I am going to bring Travis and Morgan and James and maybe Kei and Natalie, and I am just going to hang out with them and other people who go who are nice, and ignore the snobs. And I am going to wear what I want. Last night I wore my gothic  blouse I got 2 years ago at Lane Bryant. The one that sort of has a corest in the front and it kind of shows off my boobs..Sometimes I am ok with dressing sexy like that, but really most of the time I would just rather have one of my t shirts. Most of my shirts are either horror movie related, or Rob Zombie related, or have Jack Skellington on them. That is fine to wear to fetish night. If certain people who are snots have a problem with me not dressing up as much as they are, fuck them.

  It used to be, I really wanted to impress snobby, judgemental people like that. Not anymore. My self confidence has improved. I feel like if someone doesn't like me for who I am, they are not worth my time. That is an attitude more people should have..Every where you see people trying to be something they aren't, just to impress other people. Most likely the people they are trying to impress are not what they are pretending to be either. Shit, don't people want real relationships? How can you have a real relationship if you are pretending to be something you are not?


Well that is my rant. I am going to have fun the rest of the day. Going out to dinner tonight with my parents. I should be getting dressed right now. We are probably going to the casinos, but I am not even dressing up for that. It is kind of funny, I do think womens clothing, the nicer more expensive dresses, and not just the gothic dresses, are pretty, but I just would rather wear my bell bottoms and a t shirt. And maybe one of my necklaces.

Well it is has awhile since I updated. And tonight is the beginning of my three day weekend.. Fuck yeah!!! I can not even remember the last time I had three days off in a row..Maybe I was still at Taco Del Mar..Oh wait, yeah I can remember. It was last year. Kevin decided to be nice and give me Saturday and Sunday off, and the day off I requested for the concert. That was the last time Rob Zombie and Ozzy came to our state. Well I got all those days off, and got to go to the concert. But I took Friday off too. I didn't want to, I had to. I was sick, I was at work the day before and I was so sick I could barely talk. I remember I was feeling ok that day before work, but then as the work day went on, I got really bad. So that was the last time I had 3 days off in a row, I had to spend two of them so sick I couldn't really get out of bed. Luckily I was feeling better a few days later for the concert.

 Well, what I am going to do on my days off? I will tell you..Tomorrow, I am going to get up early and go to Costco. I think Kei, Natalie and James have groceries of their own, but I am running low.  I could use more milk, and some frozen food. I want to be nice and get some of that frozen orange chicken that I can cook for dinner for everyone in a few days.

 Then, depending on the movie times, I just might take myself to see the remake of My Bloody Valentine. It looks like fun. I liked the original. Infact, now I have the orginal from 1980. It is a fun movie. 80's slasher movies are fun.  Some of the newer horror movies ( well not the ones by Zombie or Quentin Tarantino) are a bit too serious, it wouldn't kill the people who made them to at least throw in a little dialogue that is slightly funny. Many 80's horror movies are meant to also be comedies, and alot of what people wore in those movies is kind of funny too. I do like some 80's fashions, mostly the punk and goth stuff, but the big hair held in place with too much aqua net sucked and honestly looks bad. And I should know, that was still popular at the beginning of the 90's and that was when I was in middle school and I was using hair spray back then and teasing my bangs. Never again.

 Anyway, if My Bloody Valentine is playing at a good time for me, I will go see it in the afternoon. But I have to be back by 5. James, possibly Kei and Natalie, Beta, and Cody and I are going to Bellingham tomorrow night. we are going to Fetish Night at Rumors. Fetish Night is awesome. Most everyone I know who is either goth, pagan or gay goes. I haven't been in a few months though since I moved from Bellingham. And I haven't been to Rumors since that night Lily embarrassed me infront of a bunch of lesbians who seemed to be hitting on me. She was too drunk, and she was hitting everyone around us up for more alcohol money.  I didn't know what to do. I needed to go home because it was late, and she wouldn't leave with me and I couldn't leave her alone when she was that drunk. Rosie had to help me drag her out of there. I haven't really talked to her since. Probably should. And admit the way she was acting that night and the way she was acting the weeks before really pissed me off.

I won't be drinking tomorrow night though. I have to drive home..So I am just getting cherry coke at the bar..LOL..But I will be dancing. At Fetish night, they usually play Zombie, and Marilyn Manson, and Nine Inch Nails and a lot of other good music, so that should be fun. I hope some people I know show up.  I think I saw Clyde there last time. Mandy if you are reading this, I never mentioned Clyde to you before, but he was a friend of mine and Chads. Actually I met him before Chad did and introduced him to Chad. They never met in person, but they talked over the phone. This was way back in 1996, and I met Clyde in Bellingham at Hot Topic. I remember he was buying a book about vampires. We exchanged phone numbers and started talking,  turned out he also practiced magick. Well, from what it sounds not really what my friends and I practice, but he was still a nice person.Unfortunately he moved in 1997, and I didn't have his number anymore. Man,if that is him I saw last time and he is there tomorrow night that is going to be trippy. I guess we could exchange numbers again and sometime go have coffee and talk about witchcraft.

 Yeah seeing Clyde again would be cool. Tomorrow night if that guy who I think might be him is there, I just need to not be shy and go say hello to him. He is not going to think I am stupid for talking to him, especially if he turns out to be Clyde.

  Then Monday I am going somewhere with my parents. Probably out to dinner. Maybe go gamble..I will get my drinks then. Yeah, I  occassionally drink. Not lately though. I like rum and coke, strawberry margaritas ( especially from real Mexican resteraunts with some nachos on the side), pina coladas, coffee drinks made with Starbucks liquor, Mia Tias are good too.

Then Tuesday I am going shopping for something I have wanted for a long ass time. There is this horror movie called Repo The Genetic Opera. It is a musical. It fucking rocks. And Bill Mosely is in it. It wasn't in many theaters but it is coming out on dvd Tuesday, and I am getting my own copy..Finally. I waited over a year for this movie. I confess, I did see it online for free last week. James found it, then said " Connie, You have got to come check it out"..I went into his room, not really knowing what he was going to show me, and I saw Repo on his computer. I meant to only watch 5 minutes, so when I got my dvd I would be surprised,  but we watched most of it. And I loved it. I wanted to watch it again right away.  Most of the songs were really good, and I liked the characters.I can't wait to get my dvd, and if Best Buy here doesn't have it, I am driving out of town..LIke to Bellingham or Everett. I almost want to go to Everetty anyway. I remember like over 3 years ago I was there and I went to that cool grocery store where they mostly sell Asian foods.  Some asian junk food would rock.

So this weekend is going to be fun. I get to maybe see My Bloody Valentine and then go to Fetish night, and go to the casino and get my copy of Repo!...Awesome. And if work tries to call me in, I am not going. In the whole time I have worked at Costco, I have only called in sick twice..Other people seem to call in sick constantly and I am always covering their asses. Not this weekend.

Well that is about it.I feel like I should write more, but I am not sure exactly what I want to say or how to word it. Except to say that Mandy if you are reading this. and I gave you the link to this journal on Youtube and that online radio station you listen to. Well, this is me. When you met me, in 2002, I was coping with a ton of depression. Some of it had to do with not having a car or a job or a place of my own, some of it had do with what happened with Calvin and Chad, some of it had to do with years and years of getting picked on in grade school, middle school and high school. I was ok when I got out of Concrete for a little bit, and started going to Skagit and started meeting other witches, but things got bad again around fall of 1997. I never told you, or anyone else who I didn't know back then what really happened. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Then certain people who Calvin betrayed tried to help me stop being depressed and that meant alot, but when Calvin fucked them over, I got depressed again. I think I am getting better now. Thanks to a lot of people. I want to go out and have fun, especially since I have a car.. Do things I am interested in, which do happen to be things that goths like to do,but fuck it..If people want to label me as a goth that is fine. I fucking even have a shirt with the Goth kids from South Park. I actually like them, they should be on the show more often. I even like cemetaries. Morgan and I were at a cemetary just last week, but not the one in Anacortes, and I live right across the street from a cemetary. And just incase you miss understood something I said about the cemtary in Anacortes reminding me of the one in Romero's Night of the Living Dead ( and yes I remember that, you would be surprised how good my memory is. I said that and from your reaction you must have thought I meant something very disrespectful. I didn't.) I did not mean that to mean that I have a disrespectful attitude towards anyone buried in the cemetaries. I think I like cemetaries because I like any place there is a lot of spirit activity which is why I like going to the tree and certain other places. And I do like places that remind me of horror movies, so when I say a cemetary looks like one in a movie I like, from my point of view, I don't mean anything bad by it. Infact, I probably mean I think it is cool.

 Well if you ever want to go do some stereotypical goth stuff, like practicing witchcraft, or go drive around the cemetary, or go shopping at Hot Topic or go watch some horror movies, or go have coffee, contact me. Comment on this journal. Yeah if you look at my journal enteries from a few months ago, there are some pissed off comments directed towards you, and I meant them, because the whole thing about you refusing to talk to me after we were friends for years and I had to find out from your journal that you thought I drag you down really hurt...But if someone really considers someone else a friend, they can be pissed off at them,but then they get over it. Face it, no one's relationships are perfect, maybe you are just finding that out. I might seem obsessive, but I  did consider you my best friend and I refuse to believe you ditched me because you really couldn't stand me or that you were so mad at me you would never want to talk to me again. I am not letting this shit go until we at least properly talk about it.

 Well that is it. I am going to go check the movie times for tomorrow then get ready for bed. I have a ton of driving to do tomorrow.

 I am doing ok..Better than I was a few hours ago. There has been too much drama today. It was busy at work. Insanely busy.I survived that, but I didn't like getting called at 6 in the morning so I could come in early because someone was sick. I needed the extra couple hours sleep. But I came in anyway. And when I got to work early, I ran into one of my coworkers who knows somene I know outside of work. I won't say much but there has been an issue with this person and I had to tell my coworker who is also my friend about some trouble this person got into. That wasn't fun. She was upset. But I had to do it, I promised I would tell her. and considering everything it was something that it was important that she know. And no, it wasn't gossip, it was something she needed to know so she could maybe help the person who was in trouble out. I hope she isn't too upset by the whole situation because she is a nice girl.

Then there is other drama that is pissing me off, and somewhat scaring me, and hurting me at the same time. I feel insecure. Like someone I care very much about doesn't  care about me. That was basically part of the reason why I was all pissed off at certain people I ranted about in the past. I did care very much about all of them at one time. Even Pat, but not in the way he wished I did. Then they did or said things that showed they didn't feel the same way.  I have huge issues. Things I never told Mandy. How do I put this? God, I have no idea. It has to do with the fact that I never fit in growing up, and the fact that I didn't want to be an only child ( I always felt like I was suppost to have brothers and sisters),  certain things in my life I can't share with everyone and my need to have someone who understands those things who is physically here for me. Basically I feel desperate for people to understand me, understand certain secrets about me I can't share with everyone, and maybe sometimes I set myself up to be disappointed. I do too much for certain people, I just want to feel like there is someone there who understands me, and who cares about me. Someone who thinks of me as family and wouldn't leave or betray me. And the people I was ranting about in the past, I thought they were the person I hoped they would be, but they weren't and after I did so much for them and told them things I shouldn't have, they betrayed me. It is hard to take.  I don't know if I am looking at this situation again. I hope not. I really hope not. But at least I didn't tell this person the secrets about me that I told other people.  But I do a lot for this person and I feel like it is not appreciated. Or at least this is how they have been acting lately. If it continues I am going to have to say something. Not looking forward to that.  But I have to. I have treated this person well, and I deserve to be treated with respect.

I can't have the attitude anymore that I am desperate for any attention and that I will do anything for someone's love. Unless the person in question is also willing to do anything for me, I have to put myself first. I do talk shit about people who piss me off, but when it comes to people I consider friends, I do every fucking thing to try to show them that I am a good friend and I value them. I deserve the same back. If someone doesn;t give me that back and isn't willing to, I need to reconize that, and not give so much to them, because I might end up getting hurt. And being hurt will lead to me being angry, and so on. I don't want that anymore. I just want friends, and I want to feel like people around me care about me. And I just want us to be able to have fun and not have so much drama.That was all I wanted to begin with in the past. All I ever wanted. Just I trusted the wrong people too many times and it got to me and all I could think about was the anger I felt from being betrayed and rejected.

All I can say about what is happening now is I feel like someone is being very, very selfish and it is pissing me off.  It is building up, and I really hope there will not be drama.

But Saturday I am getting the fuck away and enjoying my day off. If work calls in, there is no fucking way I am answering the phone. Fuck that. I really need the day off after everything. I will lie and say later that I left early and forgot my cell phone. By the way, I kind of hate my cellphone, I can't wait to get a regular phone from the house with a plan from Comcast so I can have unlimited calling.My cellphone is expensive when it comes to adding minutes, and I don't end up talking as much as I want because of that. I miss really talking on the phone. I will get a regular phone soon and just keep 15 dollars worth of minutes on the cellphone in case of emergencies.

But yeah, hope there any drama, and if there is, I hope it isn't as bad as I am worried it might be. I have been going over in my head what I am going to say if the things I am worried about happen. Not fun, but at least if I do really have a reason to be worried I am not going to be blindsighted. It is obvious there is a problem so the question is will things get better if the person in question has some space for awhile, or are we going to need to talk about this ?

Well, this is the last day of 2008. This year has been wierd. I moved twice, and went through a lot of changes. I lived in Bellingham for awhile, well four months. I guess now I feel like I am more mature and able to do more things.

  Damn, I remember New Years eve 3 years ago. I remember I had officially moved into Tanna and Joes. That day they put in new carpet in the room I was using and brought in the bed, and I was so excited. I was going to have a kick ass room. Well I have a whole apartment now. This year I plan on making it look even better. We are going to get a nicer couch, and I got frames for most of my posters.

 Saturday I went to Walmart and got 3 large frames and a couple small ones. I framed my Halloween poster, my Kill Bill poster ( which by the way I have had for 3 years, and now it is going to stay in good condition), my Grind House poster, and my two really rare small posters. My House of 1000 Corpses poster and my Hellraiser poster. they are all in the living room, and the living room looks much nicer now. I am also going to start being a little stricter about reducing clutter and keeping things clean.

 Well, lets see what else..There was some drama tonight, but I can't really talk about it.  I was shocked about what happened but I think things are going to be alright. There has been some drama in general lately, and right now, all I can do is be there for my friends. Things will work out. I know it,

  I am excited about 2009, especially because we have some good horror movies to look forward to. Most of them are remakes but that is ok. I no longer feel obligated to hate every single movie that is a remake that comes out. I enjoyed the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I enjoyed the remake of Dawn of the Dead and of course the remake of Halloween by Rob Zombie.And Rob ended up being the one to make the sequel that is coming up this year around Halloween.  Damn that is going to be fun. And the remake of My Bloody Valentine is coming out in two weeks. I am going to see it opening weekend. Fuck yeah! I love horror movies and I really like going out to the theater to see a new one. And in 2008 it wasn't that good of a year for that. Not many movies I really wanted to see came out. Even the new Harry Potter movie was delayed til 2009. Very disappointing. But this year is going to be so much better.

This year is going fucking rock. The things I want are going to work out, and work is going to get easier. And I think I am going to spend the rest of 2008 relaxing. There is this site online where you can watch movies and tv shows for free. And the have Freddy's Nightmares!!! Freddy's Nightmares was a show from the 80's with Robert Englund as Freddy Kruger. Basically every episode was a story about Freddy and different characters who he was fucking with through their dreams.  I think sometimes he ends up killing them in the end and sometimes they end up surviving.  I remember it from when I was 11, or at least the commercials for the shwo. Back then, Freddy and Jason were the two biggest horror icons. But, Pinhead and Micheal Myers seemed popular too. My parents didn't really let me watch horror movies but I still knew who all these characters were, what movies they were in, and a little bit about some of the things that happened in the movies. I saw commercials for the movies on tv, I saw the boxes at the video stores, and the kids at school who were allowed to watch horror told me about the movies. The kids at my school all seemed to like Freddy the most., or at least he was the  horror icon they talked about the most. Probably because he honestly is the scariest and most evil.Freddy seems alot more evil than most popular horror characters, and he gets off on being evil,and the fact that he attacks people in their dreams and can really mind fuck people makes him even scarier. I did want to see Nightmare on Elmstreet and it's sequels, but I wasn't allowed..And then our tv channel ( when I was that age we only had one tv channel at our house, channel 12) started showing Freddy's Nightmares..And I fucking wasn't allowed to watch it. I wanted to bad. And now that I can watch any horror movie I damn well please, I can't find that show on dvd even though I know for a fact every episode was released in a boxed set. But last night I joined a site where I can watch it for free, and they have tons of horror movies from the 80's that are hard to find. Hopefully tonight I can find the episode of Freddy's Nightmares Bill Mosely was on. Yeah that is another reason why I want every episode of that show, Bill was on one episode. Bill rocks.

Well I have to go now so I can watch maybe at least two episodes before Midnight. Happy New Years. 

I had a pretty good Christmas. I was thinking I might be stuck at home alone, because of the snow in Concrete on Christmas eve, but my dad was able to come pick me up at 8 am the next morning and bring me up to Concrete for the day.

I had fun, My mom loved her gifts, I found a nice amber pendant for her at The Co op, and got her some books and dvds. I got some cool dvds, infact I got the original Star Wars trilogy. Without all the shit like Jabba the Hutt that Lucas added in 1997. I have been wanting all those movies for awhile. And I got two shirts, a South Park one with the Goth kids, a new Rob Zombie shirt ( as if I needed a new one, I have so many, but it is still awesome, I can't wait to wear it), a book on Witch Craft, some bath and body works stuff and some good candy.

We had a rib roast for dinner, It was so good, I am going to have to make one for a special occassion here at my apartment. And we had some champange to drink with it, and potatoes, gravy and rolls.

My cats were happy to see me back. Especially Ozzy. He must have missed me alot. Miki actually let me pet her. I remember, my mom and I found Miki outside a few months before I moved out. She was a cute little black kitten..My mom thought she was a boy so she named her "Mocha Mike", I thought Micheal Myers was a good name, sine Micheal Myers was the killer in Halloween and black cats are a symbol of Halloween. So the name stuck, but then Miki got a little older and it was clear she was a girl ( sometimes it is hard to tell what sex a kitten is until it is a little older, I have had a lot of cats so I know), so we started calling her Miki. She was affectionate when she was younger, then she started being independent. The last few times I have been to my parents house she ran away, but this time she let me pick her up.She is so cute and fuzzy. I wish I could bring her to my place,but she would probably hate it, because she would miss the other cats and she is used to going out and playing in the woods.

 Oh yeah, James and Jeremy and Natalie seemed to like their presents. Which is cool. We are going to have to sit down and watch the dvds I got James and the dvds I got..Tomorrow, well considering the time, today, I am making us a ham for dinner. With mashed potatoes, yams, gravy and maybe some rolls.I am inviting Morgan over for dinner.

And before that, I am going to Wal mart and buying something for the apartment. Tonight I was there and I bought a frame for my Devil's Rejects poster. It looks great. I want to get frames for the rest of my posters, and I do have alot. I love my posters and I don't want them to get damnaged.Especially this House of 1000 Corpses poster and Hellraiser poster, both of which I got on Ebay, they are both hard to find..And the frames make them look better.

 Well that is about it. I am very sleepy right now from work, even though we got out early. It is wierd. I feel like I used to back when we used to go to the tree in Anacortes every week. I feel tired, yet good, not grouchy like I usually am if I am tired from work. I think I wanna go to bed eariler tonight, but maybe sleep in til 11, then go to the bank, go get Morgan and go get my poster frames.

Hmmm, James has been working late, and I have been home alone this evening. It is too fuck quiet. But I might put on a movie in a mintue. I am watching Futurama right now.

 I have been a little depressed today and I don't quite know why.  But then again, over the years there has been alot of drama in my life. Like too much was going on at once and I couldn't deal with negative emotions while the things that were causing them were happening.  So every now and then things happen to bring back these shitty feelings. I hate it.

 I don't even fucking know how to word this. I am grateful that I have people there for me who know I have these issues and are there for me instead of judging. Who acknowledge why sometimes I feel like this, instead of just calling me negative. Some of this, I am just starting to realize how fucked up things were.

When I was growing up in Concrete, not only did I not fit in and I got teased all the time, I was exposed to some fucked up shit. I had two babysitters, each who I went to for years, and they were fucked up..The first of them, well her kids had some issue with me. They used to tell her lies and get me in trouble..Like I was swearing, or I hit them, and sometimes they would go and bite themselves and blame it on me. Come to think of it, I have no idea why the kids decided they didn't like me..But there were other kids at the day care they did that to. I think their mom kind of knew, she just didn't give a shit and I got in trouble with my parents for that bullshit. I think the babysitter thought I was mental too. I remember once, when I was about 6, I was in the play room alone, and the babysitter's husband came in to talk to me. What I mostly remember was he was asking me to tell him which posters on the wall were photos and which were paintings. And there were other questions too. He was trying to figure mentally analyze me in some way. I fucking wish I remembered everything he asked me, because that was too fucking wierd.People do not normally ask someone else's kid questions to find out if something is mentally wrong with them.You know what else, his bitch of a wife told me the next day that when I talked to her husband, what I said made no sense. What the fuck? I hated that bitch so much, I was only 6 but I knew that situation was completely wrong. You don't treat kids like that. Fucking cunt, I would love to tell her off now that I am an adult and I can stand up for myself.She had no right.And I was only 6 she and her family had no reason to hate me. Maybe it had something to do with a rumor my Mom's bitch of a former friend started about me when I was only 6, that I was retarded. Fuck. I had to deal with that in Kindergarten and first grade. I had some special testing, and those who gave me the test said there was nothing wrong with me and infact I was very smart when it came to logic and computer stuff. But still I had to go to a special ed class for one hour a day when I was in First Grade. There is more I can say and after that experience, certain things Morgan says that people would consider paranoid make sense.

 Then my other babysitter was very religious. I saw some scary shit at her house. One day, I saw her hit one of her daughters, because she thought the girl took her lipstick then lied about it. That was scary. I don't believe in hitting kids, especially not over something little and petty like that and especially not infront of their friends. I also heard her fight with her husband, well she divorced him soon after that fight. And there was more abuse to her kids, some I shouldn't even talk about on here to protect certain people's privacy.. I liked her kids, I liked playing with them..But it was a bad situation being there. I wouldn't let a kid go over to that house alone.

 And there is more. Stuff I went through growing up..Stuff that happened when I was 15 after the telepathy started and I met Chad and all that shit. Then stuff that happened the last few years. Since I was 16, when bad shit happened I would always tell myself that other people had things worse than I did and there were people I knew who were also stressed so I couldn't let my problems get to me because I had to help them. The only fucking reason why I talked shit about Calvin, Kim and Chad so much was in a way I felt threatened by them. Even if they weren't around. It is complicated. But the other stuff, I didn't really talk about. Maybe I should try.

Well, we have been getting plenty of snow lately. But, it hasn't kept me from work at all. I have just been driving out every day to work in the snow, and driving home at night. with snow falling down. In a way I like it. It is a little exciting. It would still be nice to relax at home, do nothing but watch my horror movies and play around on the internet, and drink hot chocolate. But those things are not free, and neither is rent or cable, or electricity.

I might not be able to make it to Concrete to celebrate Christmas with my parents. Well, if that happens, I am going to make sure to get stuff so I can make Christmas dinner here for me and James and maybe Morgan, Betta, Kei and Natalie. I am going to go get a ham tomorrow. And potatoes, sweet potatoes and other stuff to make for dinner. And pie for dessert. Then, later, my parents and I will go celebrate when the snow isn't too bad.

 Fuck, if I am having a dinner here,  I am getting some fucking Champange too. Like 3 bottles so we have enough for everyone who might be here.. It is cheap this time of year.  And that rocks because I love the taste of champange.I need some alcohol right now..Things have been stressful because of work and the snow and everything. But I am not going to let it put me in a shitty mood.  Gotta focus on the good things.Hey, Sid Haig just responded to something I said on his message board. He and Suzy aren't there very often anymore, and I am only on there occassionally. But tonight I decided to show up, and Sid was on there, joking. And he responded to my comment..Fucking sweet!!!!

I remember 4 years ago when the official Devil's Rejects  board was up, and Sid came on there and posted..That was so cool of him. I had never seen an actor be so cool to his fans, and I was impressed. I remember joking with him on the board, He was posting under the name Captain Spaulding, so I asked him if he had any good chicken recipes and he said he had one for chioken nipples..Because if chickens have breasts, they must have nipples..Remember that Mandy? I was so excited that night at Tanna and Joe's and I showed you what he said online? Of course I was excited, I had just talked to one of my favorite actors online, but maybe because you weren't as into horror as I am, you didn't understand and you thought I was being annoying.  No offense but you do seem to have trouble putting yourself in other people's shoes or understanding when someone is excited about something you don't personally care about. I don't think you understand other people very well.Oh well, Sid kicks ass. He is a great actor, he is nice to his fans, he is funny and he is really smart about politics.  The shit he says about the political situation in this country makes more sense than anything else I have heard.I hope he is going to be at Crypticon again this summer, there is no way I am not going. Hell, making sure I get the days off for the convention this June are worth going to the work in the snow everyday. I am planning on missing as little work as possible so when things come up like Crypticon, or Rob Zombie coming to do a concert, or Sandoz coming to vist, or if some emergency comes up, I will get those days off.

 I sort of wish I didn't have to work tomorrow. The snow is really coming down, but I have to do my grocery shopping. Get stuff for Christmas dinner and for the week. At least I am not closing. Closing sucks. Super sucks.  At least after New Years I will be getting less hours, and I need the break..I need to sit at home on my ass and watch my movies, and go out on drives with Morgan..Maybe go to the tree or go find some other paranormal stuff to investigate. Not to be a negative bitch or anything, but I sort of hate my customers, and I need a break from dealing with so many of them.

  Ok. Yesterday really, really pissed me off. We had too many customers when I got work. I had a hard time finding a parking space.Our asshat customers were in our employee parking, they were mobbing the stores and creating huge lines..Too many people all over the store, it was rediculous..Then I got to work, and I am rolling hot dogs, and I over hear this guy talking to my boss. My boss was serving him and said " Have  a Good Holiday", and my boss is nice and probably really meant it. Well this guy goes off on a rant about how people should say "Merry Christmas", and about how he hated all the pc stuff, and about how Jesus died for us. He was just a dick, my boss didn't deserve to listen to his bullshit ( which considering my boss, I am sure he didn't agree with most of it either) and it made me mad. Ok, asshole, Christmas was and is the pagan holiday Yule. Almost every single Christmas custom is pagan, and many people who research the Bible do not think Jesus was born on December 25th, although there seems to be a few different theories about when his birthday is.The only reasons why Christmas came to be celebrated by Christians was to try to convert pagans, and well as a Pagan, I would have to say fuck them. Fuck that guy at my work. He has the nerve to make a huge deal about people saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" well his people were the ones who stole our holiday and I believe for a lot of reasons that people who believe like him are completely wrong about everything. Him and people like him have no room to talk, if they don't like people having other religions and store acknowledging that, well maybe that is karma for trying to force their beliefs on the whole world.He is so lucky he said that infront of me at work where I can't be completely honest about how I feel about this subject. I swear if someone says "Merry Christmas" to me outside of my work and they mean like they are trying to force their beliefs on me like all those people who are bitching about people in stores saying "Happy Holidays"  I am telling them off. I am sorry, I don't like people who push their beliefs on others, and what sucks is from things I have seen on tv,and the internet and my customers it seems like certain assholes are using this holiday to do just that.

Oh well. I feel better now. Sleepy. I should go to bed. I have to get up early for work. Need sleep..Goodnight.

 We have been getting an assload of snow this week. Today wasn't too bad since I had the day off. I didn't feel comfortable driving in the snow, so I just stayed home. In the afternoon I took a walk. I walked on the bike trail, it was really nice. The snow was gorgeous. It seemed like I was out in the country, not in Mount Vernon..Anyway, I walked over to Cruisin Coffee and got a mocha. A breve mocha with real caramel. And I gave the girl working there a two dollar tip..It was not only the best mocha I have had in awhile ( since some baristias honestly do kind of suck lately, I am sorry, sometimes I get my coffee and it really does not taste right, and some places I go, my drink is disgusting. Like the other day at the coffee stand by Salvation Army, the mocha I got was kind of icky.), but also she was working all alone in the coffee stand and she had a line of customers and snow was coming down..I am sure that isn't easy.

It wasn't that easy with the snow the last day I worked..And Friday might not be easy for me either.I hope not too many people call in because of the snow. I don't want there to only be me and one other person closing on Friday night. It would fucking suck. People are dumb for going out and shopping when it is snowing and roads are bad anyway.  Is anything in our store worth risking one's life to get?

 Lets see what else to talk about. Ok, there is going to somewhat be a rant. A good friend of mine kind of advised me to start using the journal again to talk about negative emotions and get all that shit out of my system. He thinks it would be good for me, and there is alot I haven't talked about that still hurts.

Well,something poped into my head tonight. There is something that has been hurting awhile. I repressed the pain and anger, well for my own reasons. I don't hate this person. But at times they have poor judgement. They act on their emotions without thinking of the consequences first. Something like that happened a few years ago, and it kind of lead to some bad consequences for me. The bad things that happened were not all that person's fault, certain other people can be blamed, but what that person said that day lead to a chain of events that kind of fucked me over. I don't know what else to say. For awhile I felt like that if maybe that person didn't get pissed and say those things, all the other shit wouldn't happen. But in this case, I repressed those bad feelings. But they were still there. Repressing feelings doesn't really make them go away, no matter how hard you try to deny how you feel. I think I can admit how I really felt but not hate that person though. I just wish the whole thing had never happened. I wish we were never at the mall that day.Hopefully, admitting to myself about how I really felt about this incident will help me feel a little better.

 Morgan has been having a hard time too lately. All I can say is it is hard not being normal and being surrounded by normal people all the time. It is really hard seeing everyone focusing on materialism, and not seeming to care about their impact on the world, when you have empathy for other people, and for, I guess who or what you would call the spirit of the earth. The focus on money is making people treat eachother, and animals, and the environment like shit. Native American religions and most forms of Paganism I have read up on say that all people and animals and the land is all sacred, and people are not valueing these things.And certain coporate fucks don't even see the value of music and of the characters and stories in the movies and shows their companies put out. They don't see the real reasons why those forms of entertainment mean so much to the fans, they just care about the money, and it seems much of the time they don't really value the artists that make them. Why would they? They don't give a fuck about their lesser employees as long as shit doesn't happen, and those employees don't get hurt on the job and can sue them.It is all about money.Morgan sees this and it gets him frustrated with how stupid people are..And I see it to, but I don't think it is as hopeless as he thinks it is. One day more people are going to see this and, I don't know, say fuck going in to work.

I guess I should go to bed now. I work 4 days, then I get a day off then I work another day and get Christmas off. then I work the day after Christmas off, and get the day after that off. It is nice finally getting 3 days in one week off, but I wish they were all together.

I had some wine tonight. Jeremy, Rick and Natalie and I have been hanging out..Mostly watching adult swim, and Rick and Jeremy are playing a game. It has been fun.

Sleepy though. Work was very busy.  Very, very, very busy. I can't wait til the holiday season is over. Soon I will have all my shopping done. I know what to get James, Natalie, Jeremy, Tanna and Joe, Sandoz, and Morgan. And now I need to figure out a few more presents for my mom and what to get Rosie and my dad.  Sandoz is going to go crazy over her present though. She loves Dethklock and I got her a Metalacolypse shirt. I am sending it in a few days. I was so glad I found it in a size that will probably work out. Looks like that shirt was pretty popular a Hot Topic.

I am going to try to get most of my shopping on my work days.it would be nice to have my days off completely free.  

 Oh yeah I got us a Christmas tree and Natalie and I put it up tonight. What is cool is it is black. It is a black artificial tree. We have red and silver ornaments for it. Sounds wierd, but it actually looks really pretty. I am getting more stuff to put on the tree tomorrow or Sunday. I have some ideas of what might look cool. More silver stuff. Maybe I will go to  Skagit Gardens and go check out their ornaments. My mom found some owls and some moon and such over there. I would like some stuff that looks pagan.

Well that is all. I will be writing again soon.

Well I am home from work. Tired..Donnelle was a bitch.Some days I seriously think she is on crack or something because she is so hyper active. She tries to do too much at once and messes the rest of us up. And she complained about everything. That was very distracting. Especially because the night before I got maybe 3 hours sleep.

 I was doing some astral projection before I went to sleep. Me and a certain friend of mine, were doing this ritual and I suddenly had too much energy. I couldn't sleep. I wasn't tired..And I was like " Oh shit, I have to be at work at 9 30 in the morning". Damn, we should have done it on a day when I was closing or I had the next day off, not when I have to be at work early the next day. And what was even more brilliant was I was online before that til 2 am. Then Donnelle has to wear my ass out and make things harder and more stressful than they need to be.Oh well. I am home now. And tonight I should go to bed early.

  But yeah, I think I can finally talk about what I do when it comes to magick again. It is time. Last night I showed Jeremy some of my huge collection of books. He thought I didn't have any books. I now have some of them out in the living room where everyone can see. I had them hidden in my bedroom closet for a long time. And yesterday I wore one of my pentagrams out in public. I haven't done that in forever. People of other religions show that they are proud of their faith, why shouldn't I?

 I know not everyone is going to understand or accept what I believe, but I shouldn't let that make me ashamed of it. There is nothing wrong with being a witch. Using magick is not evil in it's self, and now I am ok with wanting to learn more and be more powerful. In the past I was freaked out because of what happened with Calvin, but I am over that. I am not Calvin. I know that gaining more knowledge or power does not mean selling out people who care about me. I am not going to betray people like he did. I realize now that we all create our own realites( through our thoughts and affirmations, and what we believe about ourselves and the world) and I am not at the mercy of everything else like I was taught to believe I was.  I know I can create the kind of changes in my life I want, and I want to create something decent for me and for those I care about.

 Now as for the telepathy and astral projection and channeling, I know everyone is not going to accept or believe that either. I am well aware of how crazy some people would think I am if they knew about it. But I am not ashamed  of these things either. The people I have met through telepathy or the astral plane or however you want to explain it are good friends to me. They have there for me during some really hard times, sometimes no one else was. I love them. I don't care if most people wouldn't believe or understand. I would never give them up. Not for anybody or anything.  Not even  for someone I was dating. Infact if some one I was dating wanted m to give up the people I care about in the astral plane, I would be very offended and show the asshole the door. Sorry, but I could not bring myself to fuck someone who would want me to give up people who are that important to me,  or my beliefs,I have self respect.And I especially  would give them up if  one of them fucked up once and had sex with someone I didn't approve of like that drama we all remember that happened 3 years ago. Friendship to me isn't cheap, and it doesn't matter if you are talking about someone I know here in Skagit, someone I know from the internet, or someone I know from the astral plane. If you want to have friends or family in your life, you sometimes have to forgive their mistakes.

  So,I guess at some point I will be opening up more to the other people I know who are pagan or practice magick. I am sick of not being able to talk about that side of my life, as if it was something to be ashamed of. It isn't in any way, shape or form. Maybe the people who try to say Paganism and magic is evil or delusional because it can't be proven true with science are the ones who should be ashamed for trying to destroy other people's faith. Well enough ranting. James, Jeremy and Natalie should be home soon. Sandoz should be online in a few hours. And maybe I might try calling Morgan again to see if he feels up to doing anything.

Just tired..I didn't work much today, I am tired anyway. I just heard something that has me a little mad and a little worried about whether I should be involved or not. Kim, the cunt I used to refer to as the whore of Skagit Valley, is giving Jeremy trouble. And evidently, his roommate Mike, who started dating Kim a few months ago, is taking her side and sounds like he has turned against Jeremy  because of Kim. Fucking great.  I so love it when someone is a dumbass and dates an asshole or bitch then turns against their real friends.

 Earlier this year I tried to get along with Kim.I tried to be nice. Tried to put the past with Kim behind me. Tried to show I am not all negativity and I tried to not talk shit about her. But the things she does, that is too much. She is hurting people. She is an abuser. I shouldn't have apologized for past instances where I talked shit about that bitch. I was right. Since she stopped being my friend in 2000 ( and she was the one who chose to end the friendship, not me), I began seeing her for what she really was.When her and Calvin turned on me in 2000, the way they acted really showed what kind of people they were.  

 For one, then, they got Morgan using the same drugs they were using..Then one day they went to Seattle and he ended up taking too much. He blacked out and he was oding, and what did those two pieces of shit do? They ran off and ditched him. He could have died, and I guess they cared more about not getting in trouble than they did about him. It is a good thing after that he went to rehab, and after a month in there, he called me again. I wasn't expecting to ever hear from him again.I thought Calvin and Kim turned him against me.At this point, despite everything that happened in the past, I care about Morgan. I am glad he is still in my life and he is like a brother to me. I am not going to take people treating him like shit. If that bitch and Calvin ever fuck with Morgan again it is going to be their asses.

 Fuck her. When she is nice to me in person it is probably all fake. Morgan told me she is afraid I am going to curse her, I believe him. She treats Morgan and Jeremy like shit. She is psycho, but not in a good way. And I know she knew about all the shit Calvin did to a certain friend of mine. When Calvin and I were friends, he used to brag to me about all the crap he planed to do to get even with other people ( and I didn't really think he would do it, but some of what he said scared me) who pissed him off. If he did that around me, why wouldn't he brag to Kim about what he did to Matt? Her telling me this year that she had no idea what Calvin had against me was a fucking lie.

 Oh well, sounds like her bad karma is coming back on her 3 fold alright.  I am not going to directly attack her, like my friend and I wanted to 3 years ago. I don't need to, she is in some pretty fucking big trouble..But I am going to sit and laugh when the shit hits the fan. Which will be very soon. Fuck that bitch.
 

Yeah at times I am not a nice person. Some people just bring that out in me. I tried to get over it. I tried to see this drama between me, Calvin and Kim the way people outside of the situation see it, and be the bigger person and be mature and try to work things out.Obviously I was right to begin with, and the people who thought I was over reacting didn't understand. Well, duh, I couldn't tell them certain parts of the story that would make me sound crazy. I hope what is happening now makes everyone see what a bitch Kim really is.


Damn that fucking felt good. I was right, posting rants takes a ton of stress off. Of course when James gets home from work tonight I am going to have to tell him everything Jeremy told me. I am a little nervous about that, because he doesn't like drama, but because the situation is what it is, I am going to have to talk to him.

 And fuck apologizing for my past rants. That was part of the reason why I erased my old journal. Not just because Pat was stalking me, but because I was also ashamed of myself and worried about being thought of as negative. Well, in about every case where I talked shit on there, I was right. All those people fucked up big time. The only one I regret saying anything about was Morgan. The rest, fuck them.  I am not one who talks shit for no reason. I give people a chance before harshly judging them. I give people the benefit of the doubt. If I feel the need to rant about them in a blog, they fucking did something to deserve it. Kim deserves it. If there was an award for biggest bitch in the world I would nominate her. And I don't have to apologize for shit. I never was negative. There are tons of people who are way more negative than I am.  People who make me look like Ned  fucking Flanders even at my worst. And I had a right to say what I did in my old blog. I was stressed. The crap with Calvin and Kim had been going on for 5 years by that time, it was still going on, because Kim was fucking jealous of the fact that Morgan and I are friends. And she still is, by the way. Things happened, I got pissed, a certain friend of mine got pissed because he was worried about me and angry over what Calvin did to one of his best friends. All the anger came out. Things got to the point they did because of Calvin and Kim's actions. And I am not apologizing for being pissed off about it anymore.

 When I was friends with both those loosers I was really nice to them all the time. I listened to their problems.  I tried to help them out with stuff.I tried to give Kim advice so she didn't fuck up her life. I did everything I could think of to show them every day that when I said I thought of them as my brother and I sister I was serious. Including buying Calvin his mocha when we went to Starbucks all the fucking time. Yeah by the end of the relationship with Calvin I did let him use me, but at least I got the White Zombie cd he borrowed from me back. I let him walk all over me because I knew I was going to loose him. I just didn't want to believe it. I should have known better but by then I had already been through Hell the previous 3 years, and I was hurt and desperate and lonely. Someone said they considered me family, and they loved me, and they understood all the wierd things about me most people would call me crazy for. And I wanted to believe them. Family is important to me, which is why I liked alot of Robs work and what he said about about family in The Devil's Rejects and his version of Halloween. Family is the most important thing and you are suppost to be there for your brother or sister.
 
And as far as I can remember, even as a kid,  I felt like I was suppost to have brothers and sisters.You might get spoiled as the only child, but you don't have people to play with all the time and when you are older it is good to have someone there to help when you have problems.I thought I found that in Calvin and Kim, but evidently not, and it was a slap in the face. Calvin hurt me the worst way he could think of, and Kim was his fucking little cheer leader. They will get theirs. When I found Calvin on myspace last year, I noticed his blog entry entitled 3 years of lies. It was about how his boyfriend cheated on him for 3 years.That made me smile. That is karma for you. And Kim is going to be getting a taste of her bad karma really soon. I can't fucking wait. When you say someone is your brother or your sister or your best friend, those are not just words and bad things happen to people who betray those who care about them. As I said Karma is a bitch.

Hey, I just got home from having dinner with my parents. We went to Tulaiup for their Thanksgiving dinner. It was yummy, and much less work than cooking at home. This whole weekend I am working, and the store is going to be insane. Not looking forward to it, but at least I have Monday and Tuesday off.

Monday and Tuesday, I am going to see what Morgan wants to do. I hung out with him yesterday. He and I found a cool book on magick in the Burlington library. I just sort of found it..I was looking for Morgan and I was walking down an aisle of books..I looked down and noticed a book lying on top of a row of books. I just looked down to see what book it was, because it was out of order, and, holy shit, it was a book on witch craft..Very wierd. Morgan checked out the book, and it seems like a pretty good one.I noticed stuff in there about color magick, and guardian spirits and such..The stuff they described about guardian spirits was pretty close to things I have already experienced.

 Travis also wants to hang out. That will be cool. I want to show him the tree. Yeah I decided, I am going to seek out more people who practice magick, but I am not going to have only one friend who I tell everything too. I am going to find several people who are trust worthy, who I can tell certain things too. If there is only one person I give that much trust to, it is too huge of a disappointment if things don't work out in the friendship.I once saw something online that said "never make someone your everything because when they are gone,you have nothing", from my experience that is very true..Oh well, I can't let one person's rejection ruin my life forever. If that person doesn't think I am good enough for them, fine.  Maybe they aren't good enough for me.I think I have more going for me in my life than they have for themselves.

  I worked hard so I have a good job. I have a car, and my own apartment, money, better clothes than I had 3 years ago, an awesome horror collection. And a lot of  people who really care about me. Even people I had issues with in the past have forgiven me for the past. And also I think I am a good writer and pretty fucking smart when it comes to a lot of things.  I didn't  think that in the past, but that was only because I let certain people's bad opinions of me have too much power. I am also happy. Some people question that, because I apear to be single, and that does get annoying. I feel like they think I need to hook up with someone just not to be alone, well I don;t want to be with just anyone. Rob is right, those people need to fucking mind their own business. I would rather wait to find someone I would really be happy with than grab the first person who comes along. And it will happen. I will find the person I am meant to be with, and until that happens, I am not going to waste my time with someone I don't really want. And I definately don't want to be with someone who is going to tell me what to do all the time, and how to dress, and what to believe, and not to have a negative attitude, and tell me to stop being friends with certain people, and also expect me to wait on him or her and cook their fucking dinner and such. I want to be in a relationship, I don't want to just be someone's bitch. There is a difference.

I wasn't ok with myself in the past but I am now. I used to feel like I couldn't do anything..I know now that is not the case. I have already accomplished  a lot I thought I could never do three years ago. And I am going to do more.

 Tired...Today was suppost to be an easy day. I was suppost to get off early and go hang out with Morgan for awhile. That didn't happen. Angie had to go home, her daughter was sick..So I stayed an extra 3 hours..I went home at 3 and I had been at work since 7 am.  The way things went pissed me off but what can you do..And certain co workers and customers also pissed me off.
 
 Lets see...Last week, I did get a day off..Mel called me and said that we were slow and asked me if I wanted to take the day off. Of course I said yes. I relaxed for awhile on the couch..Then I called Morgan and saw what he was up to. He didn't really have plans, so I went and picked him up..We went for a drive.It started out that we were going to Conway to this really good espresso stand out in the middle of nowhere, then we ended up driving to Stanwood. I wasn't sure what we were going to do when we got there. The idea of driving around Cameno Island crossed my mind..Then I remembered Mirkwood was in Stanwood, and Morgan and I agreed we should go find it. We couldn't find it..But there was this gift store called distractions. We went in and looked around, then we asked the girls behind the counter where Mirkwood was..They said Mirkwood moved to Arlington, they bought a church and moved their store there..So I looked at Morgan and said, "wanna go to Arlington?" and of course he said yes.

 So we took the back roads into Arlington..It was getting dark..We talked on the way.Morgan and I talk a lot in the car while I drive..We say some pretty funny stuff. I told him we need to get a tape recorder so we can remember what we say later..He likes that idea..Anyway, we drove on a bunch of back roads until we finally got to Arlington. Then in Arlington, we drove around for 5 minutes and we managed to find Mirkwood.

 It was awesome..Better than it was in Mount Vernon..They not only have stones and books and tarot cards and Magick the Gathering Cards..But they have an espresso bar, and an actual bar too.You can buy alcohol. And I guess they have a tattoo parlor upstairs and in the bar they have music on the weekends..And the stones are decend priced.. I got a bunch for less than 5 dollars.

 I would really like to start hanging out there. I want to meet other people who practice magick.  Morgan is the only one in Mount Vernon I know who I trust, and I am grateful to have him, but I want other people in my life too who understand certain things about me that most people wouldn't. I have had a hard time talking about it, after getting stabbed in the back by 3 different people who I trusted with certain secrets, and what made it worse was each of these people was my best friend at one time. It has been hard not being able to talk about that part of my life for 3 years for the most part. Last night though, I kind of realized how much I miss having someone who understands those things about me, who I can talk to everyday, but if someone comes along, I am going to be damn sure they are not a back stabbing piece of shit who is just telling me what I want to hear before I tell them anything that could get me labeled crazy.

  That is the thing Mandy.I still want to believe that when we were friends, you were being completely honest with me..Honest about what you thought and felt, honest about your experiences with magick, and honest about what you thought about things I said. But I don't know. The idea that it is possible the whole time you knew me you were playing me and always just telling me what I wanted to hear crossed my mind many times. You know I have read your journal, and I read where you said that you were sick of pretending to be a quiet, shy person..Well you know how that might look..Like you were confessing to living a lie. And then there was that girl you mentioned two years ago who thought you were a boy and you didn't tell her the truth until she had what sounded like a very strong emotional attachment to you. Damn, that was fucked up. I don't care that it was 2 years ago, or what your excuse was, it was fucked.  Makes me wonder if you just play people. I would still like to think you don't, because for some insane reason part of me still wants to be your friend, but I am not going to know what to think until you actually talk to me.

  Shit like this, plus what happened with Calvin, plus what happened with Chad before that can make it hard to open up again. Just so you know, I was ranting to you about Calvin, because I was upset, and I didn't feel like anyone else would understand all of the reasons why I was upset with him. When someone goes from being your best friend one day, then the next wanting to kill you, wanting to kill your other firends, wanting to turn two of your friends against you ( although he didn't suceed with Morgan) and spreading rumors around the mall about how delusional and crazy you are, that isn't something one takes well.I was very angry, but also very hurt.And except for everyone I knew in the astral plane I felt like I was mostly dealing with those feelings alone. Wendy didn't understand fuck she didn't care as long as Calvin was gone and I was going to spend more time with her, Rosie didn't seem to really listen to me ( I think she didn't want to believe anything that bad about Calvin), same with most people I knew didn't want to deal wth the drama.  Some just said fuck Calvin, because they never liked him to begin with, but they didn't understand that I was hurting because before he turned into a demonic little asshole he was a nice guy and he was almost a brother to me. It was like the person I knew died.  And oh yeah I was scared of him too. Bad feelings about what happened built up inside me, and that had been going on for almost 2 years before I met you.

 Oh and by the way, Calvin might have been a nice person when you knew him, but you didn't know him that long. And in summer of 1999, when he was hanging out with me, and Jeremy and Chad, and Misty and a bunch of the other mall rats, he did some changing. If I really was the gossiping annoyance you and Pat decided I was, there are a lot of stories about what Calvin was up to that I could post here..Stories I heard..From Calvin himself. Lets just say he was doing a lot of stuff he was way to young to be doing, he knew I didn't really approve, and I think at that point he knew I cared more about him than Chad did, but he didn't choose to stop. Drugs, sex, and black magick are not a good combination, especially at that age. And being involved with a bunch of people who had some kind of drama going all the time didn't help. I cared about Calvin when all this was going on and we were still friends, I didn't know what to do about the situation though, and  on some level I was in denial about how bad things really were until  all of the stuff I told you about that happened with Matt and with Morgan happened and I couldn't ignore it anymore.

  And, this year I did hear from Calvin. Two times I tried to talk to him on myspace. I tried to take the high road and politely ask him in a message if we could talk things over. He chose to ignore me. Then one night  back in Febuary, I got a phone call. I answered it and the person on the other line said he read on a bathroom wall that I liked to suck cock. I knew by the voice it was Calvin. Evidently he was visting Kim and Morgan. Morgan fell asleep and Calvin stole his cell phone and got my number. He hung up, then he called back and said some stuff about how he was going to kill Kim and Morgan, and a whole bunch of bullshit, I tried to say something but he didn't respond, he just yelled over me and hung up. Really nice. Then the next day, Morgan and I talked..Morgan said he woke up, and over heard Kim and Calvin talking shit about him and he wasn't very happy . I don't blame him. Calvin is a piece of shit. I am wondering what is going to happen next time he decides to vist Kim. She lives in the same apartment building as I do. We are on speaking terms, and she sucks up to me beause she is still scared of me, and I am nice to her but I don't trust her. I am really not looking forward to what might happen next time Calvin pays a vist. It will probably create stress for Jeremy. One thing is for sure, he is not fucking allowed in my apartment. No fucking way. 

 I guess any new people who are into magick who I bring into this might see their share of drama. People here in skagit can't seem to get away from eachother. And certain people like Chad won't let go of the stuff that happened in the past. I did try to get away, I moved to Bellingham,but things didn't work out, the lease on our apartment was unexpectedly canceled and I couldn't fnd a place in Bellingham were I could live with Rosie and her family and still keep my job and my sanity. I tell Jeremy about this on IM then he puts in a good word for me with his landlord and I get the apartment..When I didn't have much time left before we were going to be evicted from the place in Bellingham, I might add. Then Kim ends up moving back in with Jeremy because she started dating his roommate. I don't go looking for drama, it just happened.

And other other day I did something. I had the impulse to write to someone on myspace..Someone who was involved with me, Calvin and Chad back in the day. I don't really know why I want to talk to her, and I didn't say much..I just told her I was working at Costco for a year, and I moved to Mount Vernon..I asked her how she is doing. I think she doesn't have her own computer and she probably uses one at the library so she hasn't seen my note..I don't know how she is going to react to hearing from me again. I think there is some stuff her and I need to talk to.

I realize, part of my problem 3 or more years ago was that I was still too shy and not very good at expressing what I had to say the right way. I think I am getting over some of that, which is good, because there are a lot of things I need to talk about. From what I remember of my old blog, I think I have improved on expressing what I really mean in my writing. Much of my old journal was an angry blur, however, based on what had been going on that lead to those angry rants, things could have been worse. It is not like me and a certain friend of mine ever carried out the ass kickings we talked about giving to certain people. It was just angry talk. We were both upset. I was hurt and angry about everything that happened with Calvin and Chad. He was angry that people tried to hurt me and other people we care about because he can be very protective. We ranted about those people and made some jokes about killing them, made fun of them in conversations with our other friends, but the worst that actually happened was that email fight between me and Morgan.  Now,He isn't pissed at Morgan anymore. Morgan forgave me obviously. End of story. If that whole incident is the reason why certain people think I am negative maybe they had better drop it. and see what I am like now before they get too judgemental. That story is old news. Three years ago is a long time, and everything has changed since then,

That is about it..Enough drama for one evening. I need to watch Family Guy then get to bed. So glad I only work a few hours tomorrow..And I forgot to mention that tomorrow, the White Zombie boxed set comes out..It is a set of all the White Zombie cds ( a few I don't have which are very, very hard to find) and a dvd. I am buying it after work. Can't fucking waiting. Then I get Wednesday and Thanksgiving off. That is going to be nice. Morgan and I are going to plan something after all. Don't know what..Maybe go to Mirkwood again.